so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
