she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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