...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
