omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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