I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
