I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
