I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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