K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
