I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
