Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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