Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
