Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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