ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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