By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
