weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
