she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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