'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
as a side note pls kill me
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
