I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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