i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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