grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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