My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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