I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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