recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
