Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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