I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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