Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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