This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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