u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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