Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
