I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
