Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
