cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
