note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
