when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
