my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
