He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
