he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Randomize
