watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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