Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
