he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
