I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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