In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
