i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
