I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
