our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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