Plan B is the new Plan A
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
