My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
