What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
