best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
