The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
