when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
