She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
