Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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